Monday, April 30, 2007

RIP One-Day Cricket

It is with regret that I inform you that the 36 year-old One-Day Cricket passed away in Barbados on Saturday 28 April. One-Day Cricket is believed to have been slowly murdered.

Preliminary reports indicate that One-Day Cricket had the life strangled out of it over a period of approximately seven weeks and was finally beaten repeatedly late on Saturday evening. An autopsy has revealed that at one stage One-Day Cricket was even left for dead in diminishing light but briefly revived before unknown assailants in white hats and dark trousers administered the final blows in complete darkness.

While no suspect has been positively identified, there are numerous persons of interest, including the ICC that has been known to regularly abuse One-Day Cricket and extort it for money and power. The unknown assailants are thought to have been acting on the orders of the ICC.

While the indications of strangling suggest that One-Day Cricket took seven weeks to die, there are no witnesses as the strangling occurred in a number of empty stadiums across the Caribbean.

Initial suspicions revolved around South Africa which has had a history of choking, though this ultimately only resulted in self-abuse on each occasion.

India and Pakistan suspiciously fled the scene of the crime early believing that any problems associated with One-Day Cricket would be fixed.

England and the West Indies, while treating One-Day Cricket poorly and with little respect, had little interest in it and have been cleared.

Ireland and Bangladesh up until recently have had little to do with One-Day Cricket and are also cleared.

New Zealand has only ever had a number of brief and unsuccessful relationships with One-Day Cricket, while Sri Lanka knew One-Day Cricket well and will mourn its departure.

Australia is known to be quite arrogant towards One-Day Cricket to the extent of seeking to dominate it. Nonetheless, Australia stated that while One-Day Cricket was no challenge, it will miss it having been instrumental in its adolescence by introducing it to fat pay cheques, raucous night life and gaudy coloured clothing. Others claim that this corrupted One-Day Cricket and led to its ultimate and perhaps inevitable demise.

It is thought that Twenty20 Cricket, the younger and louder brother of One-Day Cricket, is likely to inherit One-Day Cricket's legacy.

Experts warn that Twenty20 Cricket may meet the same fate as its older brother, being as close to the ICC as it already is.

The Barbados Sporting Times on-line has posted the following obituary: In affectionate remembrance of One-Day Cricket, which died at Kensington Oval, Barbados on 28th April, 2007. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances R.I.P. N.B. - The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

No Half-Time Measures

When it comes to half time entertainment the New South Wales Rugby Union continually surprises. Who will ever forget the glory days of the Pal Happy Dogs? Or the men in Sumo Wrestling suits running for cash, bouncing across the tryline much like Matt Dunning would if he ever reached the tryline.

And what about Bob from Tamworth who captivated and packed out the SFS for weeks on end in his futile attempts at kicking goals from half-way. He earned (and milked) his 15 minutes of fame even if he never earned the cash.

Prior to Saturday night my favourite half-time moment wasn’t in Rugby Union at all. Back in the mid 1980s I was an avid Balmain Tigers league fan. To be a Rugby League fan in those days is, to my mind, acceptable. There were plays for the ball, pushing in scrums and contests for the ball, unlike the basketball version of today - five tackles kick, five tackles kick. But that’s for another article.

Balmain were playing Easts at a sodden and muddy SCG. The Balmain Tiger started to cross the field to the only batch of Tigers supporters in the ground. As he crossed the cricket pitch he slipped and fell, got to his paws then fell again, and again. The comedy of slapstick errors ended with him crawling away and then standing up on his tail which promptly fell off, leaving him, almost literally, to skulk away with his tail between his legs and to the amusement of all fans – Roosters and Tigers alike.

(As an aside, Russel Fairfax kicked the winning field goal and Brett Papworth – both former Union players - went off injured)

But last Saturday night exceeded even these gems. A high kick catching competition had just started – a machine punting Rugby balls high into the heavens (where Rugby is played) for contestants from NSW and QLD to catch – until said ball kicking machine broke down - Rugby balls were propelled all of three metres into the air or even better directly into the crossbar or the machine operator. The sound guy was forced to kick a few up-and-unders and ultimately the competition was cancelled. Prior to the break down the Queenslanders, who were inexplicably wearing what appeared to be rubber skull caps, had dropped more than half the ‘bombs’.

While the NSW team may claim to have been potentially robbed by a technological failure I suspect the entire episode is more symbolic of the shambles that is NSW and Australian Rugby this year. Indeed the phrase 'couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery' comes to mind.

What’s your favourite half-time moment?

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Early Bird Catches the Plumber

It’s the nature of renovating that one job turn into two turns into ten. And for each job there are tradespeople and costs involved. I can live with all that. It goes with the territory, and when we (and by we I mean my wife) wanted to paint part of the house (I don’t mean physically doing it ourselves – are you mad?) it turned into a 2 month epic of roofers, slaters, painters, electricians, wardrobe designers and builders, curtain consultants, handymen and mosquito screen makers (though he goes under the title of home protection consultant).

Yet despite the massive range of trades involved one thing they all have in common (apart from a white vehicle with a ladder on the roof) is that they all turn up at 7am. What is it about tradespeople that determines they have to start so early? They can’t use the same excuse as swimmers (I’ve been doing this since I was at school and am used to it and I’ve developed an addiction to chlorine). Garbagemen (and I assume there are women but I’ve never seen any but that’s only because I’m never up that early) at least have an excuse, they’re clearing away the smell and clutter while no one is aware of it happening. I’m not sure about horse trainers. Horses race during the day so why train as the sun rises? Maybe it’s for the cameras, all those steam snorting beasts at full gallop in the fog makes for a wonderfully romantic vision if you’re into that sort of thing.

I asked a mate of mine, an electrician, why he started work so early. He doesn’t know for sure, but says he just wakes up early. This got me thinking that maybe a trade isn’t taught (or more precisely apprenticed), it’s genetic. Along with a preference for being paid in cash, dodgy or nonexistent bookkeeping and an early retirement with a bad back, being a tradesperson is hardwired into the DNA. This would be a fantastic tool for talent identification. For every lazy teenager sleeping till noon there’s another one awake at 6am watching TV or updating their myspace profile. Get a wrench or a spanner into their hand and suddenly a career path will be open to them (if you can get them off the couch).

Perhaps a further clue can be found in the fact that not only do all tradespeople start early but they finish early too and go straight to the pub. But which came first? Did the alcoholic take up the trade or did the tradesperson take up drinking? This chicken and egg scenario can be resolved quite simply as it is a well known fact that alcoholism is genetic too and this can only lead to one conclusion: to reduce the skills shortages that we are currently facing we must go to the pubs and sign up the alcoholics immediately to trade apprenticeships, especially those that have been in the pub since it opened, and especially if it opened at dawn (or didn’t close).

And finally, there’s one other thing that all tradespeople have in common – the plumber’s cleavage. Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘crack of dawn’.

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Rolling Maul - Crunchy Peanut-Blog's sister site

So much Rugby so little time. So the Crunchy Peanut-Blog now has a sister site - The Rolling Maul which is devoted to all things Rugby Union. Posts on the Rolling Maul will be mirrored on the Crunchy Peanut-Blog in its own sub menu on the right hand side of your screen, starting now with Do the Waratahs need this anthem?

But rest assured that anything non-Rugby will find a comfortable home on the Crunchy Peanut-Blog (if I ever get the time to do it - I do have a day job you know?).

CPB

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