Monday, October 23, 2006

One Limp Closer To Sporting Greatness

Injuries are the curse and the pay-back for the sportsman (or woman). Injury goes hand-in-hand with competitiveness, professionalism, intense training and pushing one’s body to the limit. All sportspeople will have injuries at some stage of their career (except for Mat Rogers who has them at all stages of his career). They often dominate the discussions on the backpage of newspapers and make medical experts of us all. There’s no real reason for any of us to know where an anterior cruciate ligament is or what a depressed eye-socket looks like, but we do.

So it was with pride and pain that I twisted my ankle in my first game of competitive touch football in ten years. At 36 I’m at an age where most sportspeople are retiring. Andre Agassi, 36, retired weeks ago. Michael Schumacher, 36, retired last week. Glenn McGrath, 36, should have and Shane Warne, 36, is a freak and a moron but I want to be him anyway (only a true moron wouldn’t realise how much of a moron he is).

I, however, have just reached my sporting prime, grand final winner in 3rd division indoor cricket and finalist in 2nd division tennis at the New South Wales Catholic Lawn Tennis Association (I’m not Catholic, the courts are just cheap and convenient). These are my greatest sporting achievements since I bowled a strike on the final bowl to win a match in Melbourne in my capacity as 4th ranked junior ten-pin bowling Jew in New South Wales in 1985.

Twisting my ankle was the icing on the cake. It became quite swollen and bruised and I have been out of action for four weeks already, although I did heroically strap-up the ankle and played through the pain to go down fighting and limping in my tennis final 6-2 6-2.

Previously I’d only ever missed one-off sporting matches for such piddling amateur injuries as a split webbing or a sprained finger. Sure I would have liked to have broken something or even better have been collected by an ambulance or picked up by a helicopter and placed in a neck brace but beggars can’t be choosers.

I’m contemplating whether I need to spend some time in a hyperbaric chamber to speed up the recovery process or perhaps issue a media release documenting the slow pace of recovery and my contemplating of retirement. Alas I’ve missed the opportunity for some choice coverage of the ankle wrapped in ice packs and me struggling with crutches and being limited to laps in ice cold water at Coogee or St Kilda the day after the game.

Perhaps I could publish photographs of the ankle for printing in newspapers so that my concerned public could concentrate on the image, producing good vibes and speeding the recovery. I would hope that the ankle is giving me an opportunity to get over my other niggling injuries (sunburn, a cold and a shaving nick) and concentrate on non-impact exercise regimes such as eating and drinking.

My comeback will be well documented. Australian Story might be interested. There could be a Good Weekend article about my triumph over adversity. I’ll be better for the rest and come back fitter and stronger and will lead my teams to world domination.

Or I’ll just wait a few more weeks and start from scratch. It’s all good.

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