My toothbrush doesn’t vibrate, whiten or massage with a triple action. It has one action known as brushing teeth. That’s why it’s called a toothbrush. It does not emit a sonic pulse. It has no buttons, does not take a battery, have multi coloured, raised tipped bristles, a tongue cleaner or flexible cups. Its active angle is whatever my hand chooses it to be and the handle is not sleek, ergonomic or flexible and has no rubber grip for greater comfort and control. I’ve been using a toothbrush for years and have rarely lost control and when I did it’s not like I put an eye out.
The toothpaste that goes on my toothbrush contains 0.76% sodium monofluorophosphate as its active ingredient, or fluoride in other words, to stop my teeth from rotting. It prevents plaque and bad breath, has a horrible bitey fake mint taste and is coloured white, not blue or red and definitely not stripey. It doesn’t do anything for tartar beyond what toothbrushes and toothpaste have been doing for generations – clean teeth. It doesn’t whiten or include mouthwash, breath strips or baking soda. Yet my teeth aren’t falling out and my friends and wife still talk to me face-to-face.
My shaver has no lubricating strips. It too has no buttons and does not pulse. It has only two blades. It doesn’t shave incredibly close, it just shaves my face smooth. It doesn’t have microfins to prime the bristles, anti-friction or power glide blades, a central pivot, or xtreme balance. Its handle doesn’t have textured rubber grips and metal grooves for improved handling and control. My handling is fine, I rarely lose control, and when I do I don’t lose an eyebrow or slash my jugular.
My ‘grooming pack’ is not a sport pack or a wet pack and is not ‘essential’. It consists of a bag containing the aforementioned toothbrush, toothpaste and shaver, a brush for my hair, and deodorant.
The deodorant is not named after a continent, an animal, or a feeling. It is not extreme or sport or sensitive or ice cool or essential or a force of nature or a body spray. It just smells better than I do and stops me ponging in public.
I do not use treatment crème, a body wash, a mud pack, a grapeseed moisturiser, a microfine scrub, a snake peel, a cleanser, a shower gel or an exfoliater. I use soap. And how does a masque differ from a mask?
And I do not need a muscle soak or foot recovery gel. After exercise I need a beer.
The night after many beers I do not need a perfect smoothing and mattifying gel or reviver eye cream – I need a strong coffee and bacon and eggs.
I protect my skin by wearing a shirt and wearing any 15+ sunscreen. I don’t put on skin protector. I do not need a self tanner – I find the sun highly effective for tanning and for wrinkling – no amount of wrinkle serum could make a difference.
There is no moral to this story. You are free to do whatever you want. I am free to think you’re mad.
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