The Early Bird Catches the Plumber

It’s the nature of renovating that one job turn into two turns into ten. And for each job there are tradespeople and costs involved. I can live with all that. It goes with the territory, and when we (and by we I mean my wife) wanted to paint part of the house (I don’t mean physically doing it ourselves – are you mad?) it turned into a 2 month epic of roofers, slaters, painters, electricians, wardrobe designers and builders, curtain consultants, handymen and mosquito screen makers (though he goes under the title of home protection consultant).

Yet despite the massive range of trades involved one thing they all have in common (apart from a white vehicle with a ladder on the roof) is that they all turn up at 7am. What is it about tradespeople that determines they have to start so early? They can’t use the same excuse as swimmers (I’ve been doing this since I was at school and am used to it and I’ve developed an addiction to chlorine). Garbagemen (and I assume there are women but I’ve never seen any but that’s only because I’m never up that early) at least have an excuse, they’re clearing away the smell and clutter while no one is aware of it happening. I’m not sure about horse trainers. Horses race during the day so why train as the sun rises? Maybe it’s for the cameras, all those steam snorting beasts at full gallop in the fog makes for a wonderfully romantic vision if you’re into that sort of thing.

I asked a mate of mine, an electrician, why he started work so early. He doesn’t know for sure, but says he just wakes up early. This got me thinking that maybe a trade isn’t taught (or more precisely apprenticed), it’s genetic. Along with a preference for being paid in cash, dodgy or nonexistent bookkeeping and an early retirement with a bad back, being a tradesperson is hardwired into the DNA. This would be a fantastic tool for talent identification. For every lazy teenager sleeping till noon there’s another one awake at 6am watching TV or updating their myspace profile. Get a wrench or a spanner into their hand and suddenly a career path will be open to them (if you can get them off the couch).

Perhaps a further clue can be found in the fact that not only do all tradespeople start early but they finish early too and go straight to the pub. But which came first? Did the alcoholic take up the trade or did the tradesperson take up drinking? This chicken and egg scenario can be resolved quite simply as it is a well known fact that alcoholism is genetic too and this can only lead to one conclusion: to reduce the skills shortages that we are currently facing we must go to the pubs and sign up the alcoholics immediately to trade apprenticeships, especially those that have been in the pub since it opened, and especially if it opened at dawn (or didn’t close).

And finally, there’s one other thing that all tradespeople have in common – the plumber’s cleavage. Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘crack of dawn’.