RIP One-Day Cricket

It is with regret that I inform you that the 36 year-old One-Day Cricket passed away in Barbados on Saturday 28 April. One-Day Cricket is believed to have been slowly murdered.

Preliminary reports indicate that One-Day Cricket had the life strangled out of it over a period of approximately seven weeks and was finally beaten repeatedly late on Saturday evening. An autopsy has revealed that at one stage One-Day Cricket was even left for dead in diminishing light but briefly revived before unknown assailants in white hats and dark trousers administered the final blows in complete darkness.

While no suspect has been positively identified, there are numerous persons of interest, including the ICC that has been known to regularly abuse One-Day Cricket and extort it for money and power. The unknown assailants are thought to have been acting on the orders of the ICC.

While the indications of strangling suggest that One-Day Cricket took seven weeks to die, there are no witnesses as the strangling occurred in a number of empty stadiums across the Caribbean.

Initial suspicions revolved around South Africa which has had a history of choking, though this ultimately only resulted in self-abuse on each occasion.

India and Pakistan suspiciously fled the scene of the crime early believing that any problems associated with One-Day Cricket would be fixed.

England and the West Indies, while treating One-Day Cricket poorly and with little respect, had little interest in it and have been cleared.

Ireland and Bangladesh up until recently have had little to do with One-Day Cricket and are also cleared.

New Zealand has only ever had a number of brief and unsuccessful relationships with One-Day Cricket, while Sri Lanka knew One-Day Cricket well and will mourn its departure.

Australia is known to be quite arrogant towards One-Day Cricket to the extent of seeking to dominate it. Nonetheless, Australia stated that while One-Day Cricket was no challenge, it will miss it having been instrumental in its adolescence by introducing it to fat pay cheques, raucous night life and gaudy coloured clothing. Others claim that this corrupted One-Day Cricket and led to its ultimate and perhaps inevitable demise.

It is thought that Twenty20 Cricket, the younger and louder brother of One-Day Cricket, is likely to inherit One-Day Cricket's legacy.

Experts warn that Twenty20 Cricket may meet the same fate as its older brother, being as close to the ICC as it already is.

The Barbados Sporting Times on-line has posted the following obituary: In affectionate remembrance of One-Day Cricket, which died at Kensington Oval, Barbados on 28th April, 2007. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances R.I.P. N.B. - The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.