Sunday, August 27, 2006

Converting the Infidels

It is the dream of any fan of any sport that all the peoples of the world be so inclined. Soccer fans like to claim that their game is THE world game, but I doubt the New Guinea Highlanders that have seen white men twice want to be like Pele (actually they want to be like Mal Meninga but that's another story found elsewhere in this blog). Similarly, I'd like all Australians to wanna be Wallabies, but even I'm aware that that the bum sniffing codes are truly only played in two Eastern states. And don't even get me started on the plans of Australian Rules Football to eventually rule the planet - that's about as likely as American Football's (or Gridiron's) Down Under Bowl (no, really, it exists) being broadcast on free-to-air TV (which is only slightly less likely than Super 14s being broadcast on free-to-air TV - but that's a subject of regular tipping comp rants).

So most sports fans settle for much smaller goals. Those with children content themselves with simply brainwashing their children from the day they're born. My brother, in an effort to turn his sons into Wallabies, calls both Rugby League and Rugby Union just 'Rugby' so that as far as they're concerned it's the same thing and they will grow up not knowing what Rugby League is. It's an admirable cause designed to ensure that they don't follow the Bulldogs, but the plans were destroyed when the Tigers won the Premiership and his 1980s allegiances (and more particularly his 1989 heartbreak) ensured that he was the first on the bandwagon and his sons were soon sighted wearing Tigers jerseys.

A more common goal is the conversion of just one person, and that tends to be a partner, and the partner tends to be female. It's not sexist but statistics. I've tried it myself. I took an ex-girlfriend one day to one-day cricket. As any cricket fan who's tried this knows you have to start small. You don't introduce a virgin to the karma sutra, and you don't take a cricket virgin to a Test Match, you take her to a one-dayer.

I've pretty much got bored with one-day cricket. It's predictable and one-dimensional, of dubious entertainment value and lacking in the traditional strengths of test cricket - tactics that rival chess, stamina and concentration to rival marathon runners, a rich tradition of monumental deeds and nation defining controversies. One-day cricket is simple love 'em and leave 'em stuff but it serves (or at least served, until the advent of an even bigger abomination Twenty20 cricket) the masses appetites for results, action, colour and movement. So it’s a natural entrée for the uninitiated.

The day was going swimmingly. The ex was asking all the right questions and in those days you could still drink full-strength beer. With the correct amount of good humour we sledged the opposition supporters, cheered the inflatable condoms, booed the security guards popping beach balls and followed the chant of ‘Porn star – Porn star’ as a well-endowed blond in a Porn star t-shirt spilt a tray of beer (note here that the cricket was incidental). But then the Mexican wave started up. The first few laps were OK, but by the third lap we were sprayed by beer and on the fourth a half-eaten chicken landed in the exes lap. She’s a vegetarian and a tee-totaller. My one chance of converting her to my greatest passion (apart from barbeques and drinking) was over and the relationship ended soon after. I am sure it was no coincidence.

More recently, a friend went along to a soccer match between Australia and Kuwait. She had never been to a sporting match of any kind in her entire life, and debating the concept of soccer vs football with her was a total waste of time. But her reasoning was simple – I’ve reached a stage in my life where I need to know more people – more people are into sport – so I will give it a go too.

Now I hate soccer and I’m proud to say it (“soccer” – there I said it). I’d even rather watch one-day cricket. I warned her of the hours of no action, the pointlessness of a non-contact sport where any contact results in a pathetic attempt to fool the match official into awarding a penalty, and the arbitrary and random (ie non-skill) nature of the penalty shoot-out. But she went never the less.

Not surprisingly she was bored and texted me at half-time to tell me so. Her match report the next day consisted of “I went for Kuwait so people abused me but he Mexican Wave was fun. I left before it finished”. Apart from the irony of the Mexican Wave, my point was proved.

Now she has a boyfriend. He plays a variety of football. She’s not sure which but thinks they’re of both the touching (as in touch football) and non-touch (as in a Rugby code) varieties. Her very lack of understanding of this simple breakdown of the football codes (as incisive as it might be in an accidental sort of way) indicates to me that he has no chance whatsoever of converting her. And if he reads this article first he will never try.

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Friday, August 25, 2006

Freelance Massage

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I attempted to turn a fantasy into reality and explored the potential of freelance journalism. The lesson was learned. The pay is crap, it's really hard work, and, like being a travel writer, turning your hobby into a job can distance you from the very reason you enjoy the hobby in the first place.

Still, the Freelance Journalism course was the trigger for anumber of articles, some of which are dated, some of which are awful, and a couple that are OK. I like this one - it is of the nature of freelance journalism - and swedish massage - and me...



‘Freelance Journalism – Eight 1 hour lessons at the Intensive Language Centre’.

Well that’s a potential problem already. How intensive do I want my freelance journalism to be? Are we to be taught the art of dodging bullets, how to write and drink at the same time, the correct way to grow a four-day stubble and how to remove nicotine stains from one’s fingers?

Language Centre? Well English I imagine. It’s the only language I speak for one thing. Is journalism a language? Or do journalists communicate with each other in some sort of code through their writing or is it more of the nod/wink and silly handshake method preferred by Masons? Is it a question of tools? Are we to be taught to be flamboyant, to speak in punchy paragraphs, to translate, to spell, to punctuate, annotate, illustrate, photograph and plagiarise?

I walk to the Intensive Language Centre in the drizzling rain on Day 1. So far so good. I could be in London, probably Fleet St in the good old days, whenever that was. The Intensive Language Centre certainly seems to be rather intense. When I was a kid this was Cleveland St Boys High, and it had a definite fearsome reputation for thuggery, so that on this day I approach the building with some trepidation.

I follow a girl, mid-20s, cascading black curls, to the office. Students are being told which room to go to and how to get there. I quietly hope for the girl to ask for Freelance Journalism, although she doesn’t look the type. I admit to myself I don’t actually know what journalists look like. I think of them as small mug-shot boxes next to blocks of text or as caricatured icons (of the computer kind – not the religious kind) on the internet. But in any case, she doesn’t look the type.

“What course?”, we are asked.

“Swedish Massage”, she replies.

“Freelance Journalism”, I despondently mumble.

I follow her curvaceous hips up the stairs. I don’t choose to it’s just that our classes are next door to each other. Maybe it's true, I think - a stereotype based on a reality. Way out of my league alas. I'd be a blabbering mess just trying to talk to her let alone chat her up.

I console myself with the knowledge that my true skills are best kept to dark rooms late at night, tapping into a typewriter, a waft of cigarette smoke curling up to the slowly rotating ceiling fan. I could travel the world and be handsomely paid to do it, meet the strange and wonderful, tell the world of the globe’s majesty, contribute to world peace and understanding and make them laugh, make them laugh, make them laugh.

But just think of what I could do if I knew Swedish Massage.

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I - More than Just the Loneliest Letter

‘I’. It is the simplest letter in the English Language. In its capital form it is a single short or slightly longer stroke sometimes made more flamboyant by the addition of a head and tail. The ninth letter of the alphabet and the third vowel, ‘I’ is at its most powerful when standing proudly by itself unencumbered by the addition of extra baggage such as an ‘S’ a ‘T’ or an ‘F’. ‘I’ is the King of the letters in the great chess set of our language, seemingly innocuous and cumbersome yet at the same time an object of much desire and awe.

In it’s individual form, ‘I’ is blandly described by linguists as a ‘personal pronoun’. Yet to pigeon hole this letter in such a way does not do it any justice. To journalists, the simple addition of ‘I’ to a piece of work elevates the article from mere reporting to the far grander and ambitious level of opinion or even editorial. For anyone to deliberately open themselves to the court of public judgement by stating their own beliefs or thoughts is to risk driving a wedge in one’s readership by taking sides.

To write ‘I think’ is even worse. Thinking is not encouraged in much of society for fear of rocking whatever boat is at hand at the time. A journalist that is seen to think is viewed as a dangerous loose cannon by those that wield power, unless that thinking is along the lines of those with said power. Editorials may express an opinion, but unless an ‘I’ is used than there will always be the suspicion that the opinions expressed in the editorial are not necessarily those of the editor, but perhaps of the newspaper proprietor.

Point 4 in the journalists’ code of ethics actively discourages the use of subjective thinking. ‘They shall not allow personal interests to influence them in their professional duties’ it states. Yet aren’t we all the product of our own interests? The very fact that we are interested in them, that we have analysed and studied the subject, learned about it at length and enjoyed or been repulsed by it, implies that we are well positioned to comment on it. The whole fabric of our democratic society is based on making decisions, a freedom that millions have fought and died for. The freedom to write about our interests, to sit in judgement of others is an essential journalistic right.

Everyone is the product of their interests, they influence everything we do. Our interests operate subconsciously and guide us through life. It is impossible to prevent your interests from influencing what you say, think and do.

I am not proposing that reporting the facts of an incident should be embellished by the writer. It is for this very reason that reporting exists, to provide the information that others, including the reporter can use to make their own judgements. But all the best journalism involves a great deal of thinking and draws on a wealth of experience. All the best articles take time to state a case and if not expressly using the personal pronoun it is quite obvious that the piece is from a particular point of view. Personal interests, in their purest sense, when not used for personal gain, should actively be encouraged to form the basis of writing rather than be hidden in a cloak of political correctness and societal norms.

At least I think so.

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Sunday, August 06, 2006

Talking About My Generation

"I think our generation has been called to apathy just as our grandparents were called to defeat fascism and the baby boomers were called to get divorced and fuck around for most of their adult lives before bankrupting the entire goddamn country when they retire. But we have the chance to do something really special here. Imagine a world where people didn't care enough to go to war over anything. Where some guy gets up in the morning and says, 'I know God wants me to kill the infidels and keep gay people from marrying each other, but I just don't give a shit. I'm going back to bed.' It would be paradise on earth. This is our mission. I think we can make it happen, but I really don't care either way. And that's called hope."

Paul Neilan, in conversation with Matt Borondy

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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Movie Rankings 2005

1) Downfall *****
2) War Of The Worlds ****1/2
3) Good Night, And Good Luck ****1/2
4) The Aviator ****1/2
5) Night Watch ****
6) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ****
7) Sideways ****
8) Sin City ****
9) Look Both Ways ****
10) The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy ****
11) Vera Drake ****
12) Batman Begins ****
13) Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith ****
14) The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou ***1/2
15) Me And You And Everyone We Know ***1/2
16) Serenity ***1/2
17) The Interpreter ***1/2
18) The Assassination Of Richard Nixon ***1/2
19) King Kong ***1/2
20) Little Fish ***1/2
21) Mysterious Skin ***1/2
22) The Proposition ***1/2
23) Kinsey ***
24) The House Of Flying Daggers ***
25) The Constant Gardener ***
26) Charlie And The Chocolate Factory ***
27) The Island ***
28) Travellers And Magicians ***
29) Oyster Farmer ***
30) Assault On Precinct 13 **1/2
31) Murderball **1/2
32) Million Dollar Baby **1/2
33) Thumbsucker **1/2
34) Three Dollars **

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Friday, December 31, 2004

Movie Rankings 2004

1) Capturing the Friedmans ****1/2
2) The Station Agent ****1/2
3) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ****1/2
4) The Manchurian Candidate ****
5) I ♥ Huckabees ****
6) Touching the Void ****
7) Hero ****
8) The Motorcycle Diaries ****
9) Team America: World Police ****
10) Infernal Affairs ****
11) The Day After Tomorrow ***1/2
12) The Life and Death of Peter Sellers ***1/2
13) I, Robot ***1/2
14) The Fog of War ***1/2
15) Fahrenheit 9/11 ***1/2
16) The Incredibles ***1/2
17) Garden State ***1/2
18) Shrek 2 ***1/2
19) Somersault ***1/2
20) 21 Grams ***1/2
21) The Corporation ***1/2
22) Kill Bill Vol 2 ***1/2
23) Supersize Me ***
24) The House of Sand and Fog ***
25) Starsky and Hutch ***
26) The Return ***
27) Tais Toi ***
28) Zatoichi ***
29) Tom White ***
30) The Cooler ***
31) The Bourne Supremacy ***
32) Troy **1/2
33) Dirty Pretty Things **1/2
34) The Barbarian Invasions **
35) Dodgeball **
36) The Terminal 1/2

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Traveling in India OR How to Prevent the Runs

It didn’t take long to remember how to travel in Asia. Walk with your eyes down (avoiding the eyes of beggars, touts and rickshaw-wallahs, and to avoid stepping in or on something or someone) and with your mouth closed (your nose is a filter – you should have seen all the black stuff I’d blow out of it at the end of each day). Haggle at length, keep your sense of humour, don’t lose your temper, don’t drink the water, take advantage of every clean toilet. But most importantly, DO NOT FART. And finally, it’s OK, indeed mandatory, to discuss your bowel movements with complete strangers. It’s also OK to write about them at length, as you will discover.

My journey began in New Delhi. New Delhi is the capital of India, and, believe it or not, has a layout based on that of Canberra. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, my point is that the similarities are striking. Yeah right. One’s a stinking quagmire that is testament to the depths that humanity can plunge and the other one is in India.

In New Delhi, as opposed to Old Delhi, which is more crowded, noisy, smelly, polluted and interesting (and has more open-air urinals), I stayed at the Park Hotel (lobby like that of a 5-star brothel) and quickly fell into my routine of following my partner, her head buried in the Lonely Planet, from site to site while thinking about food. Fortunately, our different philosophies of travel complemented each other quite well. My partner would study the history of a city before seeing it. I’d study the menus and try to convince her that it was OK to eat things covered in wasps. The touts and most other Indians would practice their English and test our spending power by asking where we're from. They have no sense of humour though. They don't know where Latvia is and never believed I was Steve Waugh, though they did want to take our photo. I still don’t understand why us? We tried asking one gentleman why he wanted a photo of us with his daughter. “Because it’s her birthday”, he replied. Well, you can’t argue against logic like that.

Delhi, like all of India was covered in sites with this description:

“Built in the 12th/13th/14th/15th/16th/17th/18th century, this impressive/outstanding/excellent/crumbling/former Mughal/Arab/British Fort/Palace/Mosque/Temple was reconstructed 7/8/9 times. Invaded by the Mughal/Arab/British/Tourist invaders in 1450/1569/1670/weekly, the impregnable/pregnable Fort/Palace/Mosque/Temple was finally abandoned/turned into a hotel.”

This description was at its best when told, via an expensive audio system, by the current Maharajah (or perhaps it’s Kamahl), his booming Indo-Oxford accent struggling to comprehend how it had all come to this, and wishing he’d only been born a couple of centuries earlier.

It was in Delhi I began my love-hate relationship with Indian food. I was grateful for the air-conditioned South Indian Pure Vegetarian Family Restaurants which closely resemble Australian North Indian diners but without the Butter Chicken (which doesn’t really exist in India). I also stumbled upon the joy of Dosas (mega-crepes filled with anything) and the all-you-can-eat for 70c Thalis (veg curry, dahl and other slop served on a segmented metal plate with rice and the ubiquitous chapatti – a flat brown tasteless bread common all over India because, being made essentially of sawdust and sand - perhaps, they cost nothing to make). Only one Samosa made me sick, though they were all awesomely delicious. A Tibetan restaurant in Jaisalmeer in Rajasthan was out of Fing even though they didn't know what it was ("We have no Fing").

My favourite dishes though were the local specialties – Laal Maans (extremely spicy mutton – mutton is usually, but not always, goat), bean curry and cashew curry in Rajasthan, seafood and Chicken 65 (I don't know either and neither do any waiters, but it was very spicy) in Goa, fish kebabs and crème caramel like deserts in Kolkata, sugary syrupy things of all shapes everywhere. I also drank loads of Pepsi, Coke, 7th up soda water, Thums up (sic) cola, and Frooti and Maaza mango drinks. And of course about 15 different varieties of bottled water of which Aquafina, owned by Pepsi, was the most common and the worst tasting (of chemicals and plastic) of the lot.

After Delhi we spent two weeks in Rajasthan, admiring (and in my case envying) the palatial decadence of the Mughal (Muslim) Emperors and various Maharajahs. Back when every city here was the capital of a nation and the threats weren't from hordes of tourists and capitalism but each other, the Emperors and Maharajahs spent most of their time attempting to kill each other and now extinct wildlife while exploring their vanity and their concubines. I don't know how they managed it. I've only got one concubine and that's a full time job (not to mention my partner – boom tish). It’s very difficult to tell a Maharajah from a Mughal Emperor. Each sprouts an identical luxuriant moustache (the local Rajput men still do - I tried to grow one but fell short by 10cm and many years) and have the same imperial nose which was repeated in artwork for centuries.

We travelled on all possible forms of air-conditioned and non air-conditioned Indian transport except elephants. This is where we differed from Maharajahs who mostly travelled on non air-conditioned elephants. We spent a few days in the Targ desert on a camel safari. Camels are as uncomfortable as they look and smell like off cabbage. They also don’t have air-conditioning. The trek was conducted under the roaring jets of the Indian air force and in full view of the thousands of windmills that power the electric fence and lights that run along the India-Pakistan border. It was while being sandblasted, melted, sunburnt and jolted into another dimension that I came to view camel riding as a pointless and painful way of going from one place to another. Give me a 4WD any day. An air-conditioned one.

The last few days in Rajasthan was spent tag teaming the toilet - up to that stage my biggest problem was actually constipation, but I more than made up for it. This made going to the Shiv Niwas Palace in Udaipur for my birthday meal a little problematic. The Shiv Niwas Palace is where Roger Moore cavorted with Octupussy, henchmen and bikini models but these days (and in reality probably in those days too) it is full of overweight middle aged Germans. All three of Udaipur’s luxurious palaces were built to take advantage of the glorious lake vistas. Today, there’s barely a lake and the palaces are 5-star hotels with restaurants to match. No matter - even if our chosen palace was the second most expensive place in town it still worked out at King St, Newtown prices. It was just a shame that I lost it all down the toilet an hour later (and for much of the next day).

By the time we reached Mumbai after three weeks and seven rolls of toilet paper (actually easier than it sounds – standard Indian bog rolls are all of about 30 sheets – the cardboard tube is almost thicker than the paper) we were more than familiar with all Indian forms of transport, the ubiquitous Tata buses and trucks, cycle and auto rickshaws and Ambassador Taxis.

Of all the buses the most frightening was also the most comfortable – the sleeper bus. Sleeper buses are great if you’re not claustrophobic or sick (which best described my partner by that stage). You travel in your own sealed and padded coffin while speeding along the highways and arrive refreshed, relaxed and hopefully not dead. If you’re really lucky you’ll have slept for a few minutes. The bus dropped us 40km short of our intended destination in Mumbai and the legendary bone-jarring three-wheeled autorickshaws descended like swarming wasps. Surprisingly, rickshaws, auto and cycle, are not allowed in central Mumbai. Ambassador taxis though, designed, and in the majority of cases probably dating from, the 1950s, are present in their thousands, though being bigger and largely black they swarm more like cockroaches in need of a good wheel balancing. Equally surprising, cows are also banned, and as a result of these proto and token attempts at town planning, the traffic successfully oozes along and you can even see the gutters most of the time.

Outside the city and everywhere else in India, the cows rule the streets much as a Maharajah would rule a nation, but without the concubines (but then again). Everyone knows that cows are sacred in India, including the cows. The natural habitat of the cow is highways and traffic islands, this way they can create the most chaos. They subsist on a diet of paper and cardboard. They tend to crap in your general direction and change their direction without warning, usually to the detriment to your car, bus or shoes. They’re treated by the locals more like dogs than the dogs are, which are generally shabby and mangy and pregnant. But again, except in Mumbai, where rich, fat Indians will happily power-walk along the waterfront in shorts and a t-shirt with two perfectly groomed corgis on a leash.

Mumbai is all about food and cricket and money, and we had plenty of all of them. Plenty of Chinese and Western Food (I finally cracked, had chow mein, fried rice and pizza and didn’t my stomach just love it) served by a plethora of hovering waiters. The menus of your standard Mumbai restaurant ran to over 12 pages and included hundreds of variations of everything meat and veg that had ever been invented in India and China. And for the first time I encountered a drinking culture, or at least lots of men in dark and smoky rooms drinking a nip of scotch with a litre of water or a Kingfisher beer by the longneck.

The ubiquitous Kingfisher beer, drunk all over the country, comes in a clear 650ml bottle. Strangely, it’s made to a different recipe in each state – in Uttar Pradesh it’s a caramelly brown with a yeasty bite, in Goa it’s a lemony yellow with a light refreshing taste. Whether this reflects the quality of the local water or the air is something best not contemplated. Each state controls its own alcohol tax, and hence beer is priced according to numerous factors, but mostly religion. The stronger the religion (especially in the Hindu Belt state of Utter Pradesh) the more expensive the beer and the more likely you to have to drink it out of a tea pot (Agra) or keep the bottle under the table (Varanassi). The less religious (especially in Christian Goa) the more likely that a longneck will cost $1 and you will spend all day drinking them on the beach.

We boarded the train from Mumbai to Goa and spent a night in a 3-tier (bunk) air conditioned carriage. Luxury compared to the sleeper bus. The next morning we leapt from the speeding train (almost literally - we had about 30 secs to get off) and caught a cab to Arambol beach. It only broke down once.

Once settled in at Arambol we hit the beach and the Kingfishers and then the Kingfisher hit us. My partner had her doubts about the beer from the start (Her: “Is it supposed to be green?” Me: “It’ll be fine, it has wasps on it”) but it was the only thing we both ate and we both got really ill that night. Without being too gruesome - oh stuff it why not - I endured a 12 hour colonic irrigation and my partner a 36 hour spew and poo. During the intermediate 24 hours I was forced to laze on the beach by myself and swim in the surf, drink, and eat delicious and only slightly contaminated seafood (I was tempted by the Tendor Lion Strogan Off but thought I shouldn't). When we left, my partner foolishly decided she was better despite not eating for three weeks and could handle the 3km walk to the bus stop. Unsurprisingly, she fainted just as the bus turned up.

We spent the night in Panjim, capital of Goa and in the afternoon checked out the massive churches and Cathedrals of Old Goa, built by the Portuguese during their 400 year rule of the colony of Goa (until 1961 - more staying power than the British evidently). This included the Cathedral of St Francis Xavier whose supposedly undecomposed body is displayed every 10 years and which we missed by two weeks. This is apparently a miracle. The real miracle is that anyone believes it. I saw the photos and he looks pretty decomposed to me.

5 am the next morning we woke for a 7 am flight that arrived at 10:30. 11 hours, one late flight, one cancelled flight and one flat tyre on the hired car later (5 hours to go 150 km) we finally made it to Agra. Being short of sleep and still essentially ill, we went to bed early to be woken every 2 minutes by deafening explosions as another Diwali firecracker went off. Diwali is the Indian “festival of light” though in modern day India this has been translated to “festival of extreme and sudden noise”. This comes as no surprise. India is a land of extreme noise. There is no Hindi word for “whisper” (or “sorry”, “please” or “excuse me” for that matter). Indians talk incessantly and at volume, especially on their mobile phones (standard conversation goes “HELLO…HELLO…HELLO” etc). They sit on their car horns (it’s officially sanctioned – even the trucks have ‘horn please’ painted on the back of them), blow whistles constantly at the cricket, scream political slogans from jeeps with giant loudspeakers and play Bollywood songs and advertisements at ear-bleeding volume at kid’s fairs, markets and festivals. Sydney is a sleepy village compared to your average Indian city.

There is only one thing to do in Agra and that’s go to the Taj Mahal. The contradiction between Agra and the Taj couldn’t be starker. The Taj is stunning, so much so that it completely overwhelms the thousands of tourists milling around it – don’t believe the staged Princess Di images. Agra is a crowded polluted dump overrun with incessant touts that forever hound the few tourists that can be bothered staying in Agra rather than do the standard day trip from Delhi.

After Agra, checked out some smaller towns (in India this means a population under half-a-million) – Fatapuh Sikri is a poorly signposted (ie it isn’t signposted) massive fort and palace complex (with the standard history of emperors and invaders) surrounded by a mass of the above mentioned kids fairs. Orchha was, believe it or not, small, relaxed, isolated and pleasant. Orchha’s palaces and fort face each other across the river. Mostly devoid of tourists and undiscovered by the Indian Archaeological Society, the sites are future ruins just intact enough to let you scramble all over them, including on the roof. The surrounding jungle is full of temples. It’s all very Angkor Watt (Cambodia), though not quite as grand or on the same scale (and there are no landmines).

Khajuraho is home to the famous Karma-Sutra sculptures. If you’re not familiar with the sculptures don’t worry. Just think the kind of hard-core porn that could put you in prison or without a job in the Department of Education. The manicured lawns and peaceful surroundings (it’s too expensive for the locals) ensure a surreal experience and a slightly uncomfortable one for males. At least, that’s the idea, but I was sick again and nothing, except a flushing toilet and 2-ply toilet paper, could have turned me on at that stage.

The train to Varanassi was preceded by a three-hour taxi ride along the worst road in India and perhaps only second to the Highlands Highway in PNG as the worst in the world. The alternative was the 6 hour bus which came sometimes at 6am and other times not at all. The connecting train arrived three hours late, the last 145 km taking six hours. Being night time, Varanassi station had already taken on its alter ego of homeless shelter, and there are lots of homeless in Varanassi. There are also lots of cows, buffalo, dogs, pilgrims, burning corpses, monkeys, boat-wallahs and rickshaws all competing for the same dusty smelly piece of Ganges foreshore. The Ganges is lined with cement steps (Gats) that act as cremation site, laundry, bath, wharf and men’s urinal, often within (literal) spitting distance of each other. The continual cremations lend a permanent haze to the atmosphere while providing the only entertainment in town to the locals, though even as a tourist you get used to seeing burning legs poking out of a pyre or the remnants of a corpse being picked up on a stick.

Kolkata by comparison is party central. Being ruled by communists since independence and being disdainful of the federal government, almost weekly strikes (called bundhs) and go-slows organised by either the government or the unions ensure that not a lot gets done. Office hours are 10-4:30 with an hour for lunch. They’re also such appalling hagglers they’ll often sell things at marked prices – it’s easier that way. During the wet season the place floods and even less gets done. It’s no wonder the local pastime is eating, and they do that very well and very often (but don’t order a margarita – not unless you like warped martinis).

So all that was left was to brave the traffic out to the airport – a one hour journey in a rickety old taxi through the belching truck and bus fumes along non-signposted roads while hanging on for grim death for the first available toilet. A fitting end to an awesome trip.

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Sunday, January 25, 2004

Cricket in India - Or How to Limit the Runs

I expected thousands of Indians crowded around radios and TV sets. I expected every cabbie, doorman, wallah and beggar to regale me with tales of the Australian tour of 1969 or to be able to recite Allan Border's batting average to seven decimal points. I expected every street corner to be full of wanna-be Sachins belting tennis balls for imaginary 6s. My expectations have not been met, well, not entirely. Yes, my very first cabbie knew the entire Australian side from the tied test in Madras in 1986. Yes, my nationality triggered a hundred identical conversations (“Australia – very good team” followed by a list of all the players to have played for Australia since 1969). Yes, I received grateful unabashed thanks (though perhaps greed is closer to the mark) when giving tennis balls to street urchins. But it was so difficult to find out the score from Nagpur when I was riding a camel in the deserts of Rajasthan. And not one samosa salesman had the radio on, nor did any other street vendor in Delhi know who Nathan Hauritz or Cameron White was. Sure, they have a meagre living to scratch out from the grime of their barely sustainable existence, but you still think they’d be known about in India of all places.

No, to find the true essence of cricket in India one must watch TV. The cricket is on live, all cricket, everywhere, not just the current test series. Each of the sport channels (Star, National and ESPN) show live international cricket from anywhere in the world (and wasn’t NZ vs Bangladesh a snorter of a series), sports highlight shows, obscure replays (England vs Pakistan 1992 - now there was a series) and official and unofficial cricket related programs (including a weekly ICC cricket show which is always three weeks out of date). And while all the players (and Harsha Bogle) are massive, appearing in innumerable commercials and other sponsorship tie ins (though I can't work out why Harsha Bogle is always with a buxom Bollywood starlet), the undoubted megastar of the game is Roshni Chopra.

Roshni Chopra, Bollywood star and model, is the star of 'Fair and Lovely Fourth Umpire', which by no coincidence is also a skin whitening cream.Roshni Chopra supplies the glamour and the inane commentary while Kris Srikkanth and a couple of other one-test wonders debate aspects of each session's play. She's caused a lot of tension amongst the local populace (letters to the editor, editorials, burning of effigies – that sort of thing), who, while in awe of her radiance are as perplexed by her lack of knowledge of the game. The show randomly switches from English to Hindi and occasionally a pidgin variety of both, but it's Roshni that the public watch it for.

So armed with this background knowledge of all things Indian cricket I proceeded to Mumbai to watch the 4th test. Australia had already won the series, but the locals were keen to point out that they were robbed in Chennai and so for all intentions the series was ‘live’. Only an Indian could think this way. When they did win the match in only three days some of the spectators started proclaiming the Indian cricket team as ‘World Champions’ despite the fact that Australia are the One-Day World Champions, there is no Test World Championship and Australia had won the series. I tried pointing this out to them and was lucky to escape in one piece. The first day's rain and near-washout came as a welcome relief from the heat of Rajasthan.

Rajasthan has historically been different (indeed many different nations) to the rest of India and it is just as true with their cricket. Barely a match was seen in the streets nor a hotel TV tuned to the cricket. But my Gypsies cricket cap was enough to trigger a conversation with the vice-captain of the Jaisalmeer cricket team – the equivalent I imagine of first grade – so I politely refused his invitation to go to training that afternoon. Anyway – I didn’t have any gear and was severely weakened by whatever virus was going round at the time. I also didn’t feel up to taking the revenge of a nation just humiliated in Nagpur.

So I turned up on Day 2 of the Mumbai Test to battle the masses clamouring to see Sachin Tendulkar who was not out overnight. Tendulkar is massive all over India, selling everything from Pepsi to scooters and mobile phones, but being from Mumbai is even more massive there. I scrambled to the empty ticket window (empty because it sold the “expensive” tickets) to buy a discounted match pass in the luxury 'Guest' Stand for a bargain 550 rupees, or $17, for the remaining 4 days and was seated in time to watch Sachin add 3 to his overnight score before succumbing to Gillespie. For the only time in three days, the crowd went quiet. 6 hours later they were all gone and so were the Aussies. 18 wickets in one day. The crowd, especially those in the cheap seats which weren't seats at all but cement terraces baking in the sun, were going off, even when wickets weren't falling (and they were doing that about every 15 minutes).

The peculiar design of the Wankheyde Stadium amplified their noise. 5 large tin sheds in a circle propped up by varying degrees of concrete cancer, this has got to be the ugliest sporting stadium on the planet. The real tragedy is that the larger, more functional and certainly more atmospheric Bombay Cricket Club is just down the road. Test cricket was played here till the 1987 World Cup when the BCCI realised they could get more cash in brown paper bags if they threw together some large chicken sheds and called it a stadium rather than pay the snobs at the Cricket Club to use their superb facilities. Everything in India is political except the politics. That’s religious.

The Aussie players were eulogised or insulted to varying degrees each time they approached the boundary (and the Paki umpire was just threatened). Some of the chants were rudimentary and intense - "McGrath's a Homo", "Aussies Suck" and others in Hindi that were only translated to me with a standard incomprehensible Indian head wobble. I only found out later on than Indians never say “no” and when threatened with having to answer a question will just wobble their head, much as an Ostrich will bury its head in sand (another myth!). The chanting was interspersed with an Indian Wave, like a Mexican wave but without the technique - 5,4,3,2,1 and then the whole stand puts their hands up. They actually did get a Mexican wave going on Day 3 - it sped around the ground at less than six seconds per revolution, dizzying for me and for Dizzy Gillespie who at that stage was trying to win the match for the Aussies.

The truly frightening thing though is that you can’t get a beer (or a pie for that matter) and the whole stadium is alcohol free (except for the dressing rooms perhaps). Total insanity from the Indians and they’re all cold sober, though they’re caffeined off the dial. Pepsi comes by the bucket for only 60c.

On Day 3 of the test I went to do some sightseeing confident that I could watch a full day for my birthday on Day 4. Went to Elephanta Island - off the coast of Mumbai - to see some famous sculptures, but who cares, this is about cricket. Fortunately Sachin Tendulkar's Restaurant and merchandising extravaganza (unimaginatively named ‘Tendulkar’s’) was near the ferry quay, and I headed off there for lunch, though with prices higher than those of the great palace hotels of Rajasthan I just had a beer and chips. The cricket was showing on the big screen at Tendulkar’s, and as Michael Clarke ripped through the Indians the place emptied into taxis as everyone realised the match was heading for an early finish.

So I caught the last session; 3 hours, 12 wickets. It was just like watching my own team play. Part time trundlers deceiving wanna-be batsmen with nude deliveries and shocking umpiring decisions. Perhaps the umpires had given away their eyes. In Kolkata’s Eden Gardens a few weeks later and a few days after India had been thumped by Pakistan in a one-off Jubilee one-dayer, I couldn’t help but notice the fence banner advertising for peace between the nuclear neighbours and one that read ‘Donate your eyes’. Very Monty Pythonesque, my first thought was “But I’m still using them”.

The Aussies won the series, the Indians the match. 1000 Indian officials ran onto the ground for the presentation ceremony and for the first time in three days there was a ground announcement – that it was over. Up to that stage there was no ground announcer and only a scoreboard that was plus or minus two overs and three batsmen.

Oh, and for my birthday I went to Mahatma Gandhi's house. He's a great man, but not as great as Sachin Tendulkar.

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Thursday, January 01, 2004

Movie Rankings 2003

1) American Splendor *****
2) Lord Of The Rings – The Return of the King *****
3) The Pianist *****
4) Master and Commander ****1/2
5) **Space Station 3D ****1/2
6) The Quiet American ****1/2
7) Mystic River ****1/2
8) Solaris ****1/2
9) 24 Hour Party People ****
10) Alien: The Director’s Cut ****
11) Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines ****
12) Lost in Translation ****
13) Punch Drunk Love ****
14) Cypher ****
15) Whale Rider ****
16) Buffalo Soldiers ****
17) The Matrix Reloaded ***1/2
18) The Matrix Revolutions ***1/2
19) Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind ***1/2
20) 25th hour ***1/2
21) Gettin’ Square ***1/2
22) Intolerable Cruelty ***1/2
23) X Men 2 ***1/2
24) Kill Bill – Volume 1 ***1/2
25) Star Trek: Nemesis ***
26) Spider ***
27) About Schmidt ***
28) Auto Focus ***
29) Secretary ***
30) Bright Young Things ***
31) Welcome To Collinwood ***
32) *Turkish Film Festival Film ***
33) The Good Thief ***
34) Catch Me If You Can ***
35) The Night We Called It A Day ***
36) Nowhere In Africa ***
37) Alexandra’s Project ***
38) Perfect Strangers **1/2
39) Japanese Story **1/2
40) 28 Days Later **1/2
41) The Italian Job **1/2
42) Undercover Brother **1/2
43) Matchstick Men **1/2
44) The Hours **
45) Chaos **
46) Chicago **
47) Habla Con Ella (Talk To Her) **
48) Johnny English *1/2
49) Russian Ark *
50) One Hour Photo 1/2
51) *Gerry 0

* Sydney Film Festival release that did not receive general release (deservedly so in Gerry’s case)
** IMAX film

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Monday, June 30, 2003

Trying to Escape from Rabaul



In January 1942, hundreds of Australian troops stationed at the remote Papua New Guinean (PNG) town of Rabaul, on the island of New Britain, were ordered to flee an imminent Japanese invasion. With less than two days’ notice, the Australians, often with few or no provisions, escaped along any route using whatever method they could find.

Some succeeded in getting to waiting ships, several fled along the coast only to be massacred, some were captured and imprisoned, and some spent weeks crossing the thick jungle of the Baining Mountains to the relative safety of the other side of the island. As with the Kokoda Trail, native people often provided assistance that was to prove the difference between life and death.

In September 1994 the city of Rabaul was almost destroyed by the eruption of the volcanoes Tuvunur and Vulcan. Ash metres deep smothered the town, displacing thousands, closing the airport permanently and devastating the lucrative local tourism industry.

The ash continues to fall to this day from regular exhalations from Tuvunur, stinging the eyes, ruining clothes, covering paths, lawns, roofs and roads. On bad days, stinking sulfurous gases make breathing difficult and cause acid rain, eating away at metal surfaces. The former bustling heart of the city is eerily quiet and dusty. It is if another war has been fought.

The airborne ash though creates spectacular sunsets, a brand new airport is in operation and tourism is making a comeback. Numerous wrecks and fantastic reefs are once again being dived upon and trekkers are beginning to climb the volcanoes and explore the mountains.

Two such wannabe adventurers, my partner and I, arrived in Rabaul recently to attempt the ‘Escape from Rabaul’ Trek. This trek (‘wokabout’ in Pidgin English), which takes three or four days depending upon ability, traverses one of the many routes over the Baining Mountains along which fleeing Australian troops endeavoured to escape the Japanese invasion. Following overgrown colonial roads, bush tracks, creeks and rivers, the trek aims to give some insight into the conditions and hardships faced by those soldiers.

Unlike the more famous Kokoda trail, there are no monuments to fallen heroes, no grainy black-and-white imagery, no well-worn trails, relatively comfortable huts or airstrips. You follow local guides with machetes who hack their way through the jungle following overgrown and rarely used tracks. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to work.

Starting at dawn in Rabaul, we set out by boat along the north coast of New Britain aided by three porters, a cook and a young local tour operator. We were effectively intending to escape to Rabaul as logistically it is much easier to do the trek in reverse.

The volcanoes provided a spectacular backdrop as the boat powered along between glorious and barely explored tiny tropical islands. At times a dolphin entourage accompanied us. Schools (or is it flocks?) of flying fish scattered in every direction. The porters spat betel nut fluids (buai) into the ocean in perfectly timed blood red arcs and the sun belted down.

For four hours the boat alternately roared at full speed or tiptoed through barely chartered coral reefs. The mountains were always on our left, towering over the coconut and cocoa plantations.

We arrived at the timber town of Open Bay at about noon where we were to be met by Francis, a timber mill manager and our driver to the ‘official’ start of the trek. We hopped in the back of the battered Hilux for the 30km journey along the dusty timber company’s roads.

These are the only roads on this part of the island. They are built and maintained by the logging company and hence are in better shape than their counterparts in Rabaul which are supposedly maintained by the government. While the timber logging operation provides much needed employment and investment, as well as providing access to some of the more inhospitable parts of New Britain and the Baining Mountains, it is inescapable that parts of the virgin rainforest and their associated habitats are earmarked for destruction.

From time to time Francis would stop and he and the porters would go into the very small villages we would pass. The villages were little more than a few traditional huts built from local materials. Each hut had a vegetable garden growing mostly sweet potato (kau kau), bananas and taro, from which each family ekes out a largely subsistence living.

We eventually discovered that Francis was looking for our guides. Local Baining tribespeople act as guides for the ‘Escape to Rabaul’ trek. They know intimately the current state and position of the bush tracks that lead from village to village through the jungle. The guides are changed daily at each village and camps are often made nearby on creeks or rivers.

When we finally reached a point beyond which even a four-wheel drive could not pass we still had no guides. While in hindsight this would seem an obvious problem, at the time it just seemed a normal organisational glitch in classic PNG style.

Two of the porters, Eddie and Enoch, and the local tour operator, Steve, debated what to do. The decision was made to carry on regardless as Eddie and Enoch claimed to know the trail having done it a number of times.

The old colonial 'road'
For an hour Enoch slashed and pushed his way through eight-foot tall weeds and creepers like trip wire (including the aptly named Waitawhile) that smothered the old colonial road. Finally in frustration, our shirts already drenched in sweat and our arms covered in scratches, the decision was made to head off road in order to find the bush track that would lead to the first village and camp.

The tangled weeds gave way to a thick clogging undergrowth, though the mosquitos remained a constant. The rainforest canopy provided shade but little respite from the heat and humidity. We slowly made our way downhill, stopping frequently to allow Enoch to race ahead and determine the best route. But it became rapidly apparent that we had no idea where we were going.

Not only were we not escaping from Rabaul, we couldn’t even find it.

Up and down steep hills, along ridges and across muddy creeks we went, Enoch constantly swinging his machete and carving a rough track. Birds, bugs, butterflies, giant snails and stick insects provided alternately colourful, annoying and interesting diversions. We tripped over the buttresses of giant trees, fell through decayed logs, got tangled in creepers and slid down slopes of wet clay and dirt.

Through all this struggle I tried to keep events in perspective. The conditions, though harsh, were nothing compared to those faced by the Australian soldiers 60 years ago. Travelling in the middle of the wet season, many carrying shocking bayonet and gunshot injuries, they crossed the mountains with little support, provisions or guidance.

Eventually we found a creek where we could replenish our dwindling water supplies. The creek was one of many that supposedly fed the Torio River on which the first camp was located, so we attempted to follow it, thinking this would speed our progress.

Boots proved totally inappropriate for walking along the muddy and boulder strewn creek and travelling barefooted there was no way my partner and I could keep up with the rest of the group who wore thongs or nothing at all on their feet. I turned to my Dunlop Volleys which proved up to the task. I contemplated wearing them for the remainder of the trek, but not needing the cash from an endorsement deal once I got home, I switched back to boots as soon as we left the creek.

We ascended and then followed another ridge in an effort to avoid a trio of waterfalls along the creek. As the sun set, and with no alternatives, the decision was made to camp by the creek at a slight clearing. It was a beautiful spot without a doubt, but Steve’s words, “we’re not lost, we just don’t know where we are”, were little additional comfort.

Esther, the cook, prepared dinner and the boys cleared some of the bush for the camp. They set up a tent for my partner and I and prepared a natural mattress of leaves covered by a tarp for everyone else. We discussed our options for the next day, but the reality was that with time being limited and with no guides we had only one, to turn back.

The only consolation was that perhaps we would be in radio range the following night and could listen to the State of Origin. The conspiracy theorist in me postulated that this was the intention of the porters all along.

PNG’s Rugby League obsession, especially at State of Origin time, is real. Conversations with the locals often begin with “Blues or Maroons?” and families have been torn apart by domestic warfare on the basis of divided team loyalties.

That night, after clearing the bullants out from the tent using a combination of handy crushing implements (torches, water bottles etc) and chemical warfare (aerogard), and despite the heat and the mosquitos, we collapsed to an exhausted sleep.

It only took a few hours the next morning to retrace our steps back to the ‘start’ of the trek. The realisation that we had barely walked more than a few kilometres the day before, that we had stopped a long way from the intended camp, and had not even begun to cross the mountains was disheartening.

Despite getting a message back to Rabaul via a two-way radio, there was no guarantee that a message would be passed on to Francis to pick us up. So fuelled on a lunch of Tang orange drink, beef jerky and the ubiquitous beef crackers, we began the 30km walk back to Open Bay.

Almost on cue it began to rain like it only can rain in the tropics. Great slabs of water fell from the sky turning the road instantly to clogging mud. We sheltered under a hastily erected tarp and took the opportunity to refill our water bottles.

The rain cleared as quickly as it had arrived. As we continued down the road we didn’t pass any vehicles, just lots of villagers on foot, nearly all women and children. They were very shy and we could barely elicit more than a smile and a greeting of “apinoon” (good afternoon) from them.

With dusk approaching we decided to camp by a river, still 20km or more from Open Bay. Finally, an opportunity for a swim, a wash and a chance to cool down.

Enoch had bought a few kilos of cooking bananas along the way and these were thrown in the fire as soon as it was built. The bananas were by far the highlight of a dinner of tinned corned beef and rice, which along with instant noodles and tinned tuna are the typical dietary supplements in PNG.

Thousands of fireflies began to flash in unison in surrounding trees as if they were Christmas lights. It was like the trees were talking to each other. Meanwhile, a noise in the distance became a rumble, and soon, three bulldozers and a truck crossed the river right near our camp. With fears that the recent and forecast rain might lead to flash flooding, and still not being able to get any radio reception for the State of Origin, Steve and Enoch went to flag down the next vehicle.

Steve was mistaken for a ghost but fortunately managed to flag down a ute. Its drivers agreed to take us back to Open Bay after collecting the operators of the bulldozers.

After we had piled into the back of the ute, we found out that one of the bulldozer drivers was one of our intended guides (the pay was better). Not only would we have never found him, but he also informed us that due to the deplorable nature of the road we had tried walking along and then around, a new bush track had been carved out and was now being used.

So it turned out that not only would we have never found our guides but we would never have found the track either as the one we were looking for hadn’t been used for over six months.

We spent the night in Open Bay in the cockroach ridden ‘guesthouse’, temporary rooms with two rickety beds and a cupboard. It didn’t rain and we still couldn’t get any radio reception.

It became apparent almost as soon as I woke up, by the smile on Eddie’s face and the blue flags waving from all the vehicles in town, that New South Wales had won. It wasn’t much to mull over during the wait for the boat to pick us up, but it was something.

There were still two days to go of the ‘trek’. My partner and I had paid for porters, guides, food and transport. Steve suggested we spend a night camping on the Talily Islands just an hour from Rabaul and where he was trying to start a small tourist operation and we agreed.

The Talily Islands -paradise of a sort
Once again assisted by dolphins, the boat arrived on a tiny, beautiful uninhabited island. The camping spot was idyllic, the snorkelling was great, we went fishing. There were no mosquitos or sandflies and we had only small crabs to chase out of the tent. The next day we barbecued freshly caught Spanish Mackerel and swam in a cool stream at a cocoa plantation on New Britain owned by Steve’s grandparents.

It was hardly what we expected from a four-day mountain trek.

Once off the beaten (Kokoda) trail you can pretty much expect the unexpected if you go trekking in PNG. Ours was apparently the first time that the guides could not be found for this trek. As this part of the world is further opened up to tourism it can be expected that more formal organisation and planning will follow. Indeed that seemed to be what the organisers of the trek, Bruce and Susie Alexander from the ash-covered Hamamas Hotel in Rabaul, have in mind.

The ‘Escape from Rabaul’ trek is not for the casual walker or those expecting much comfort. The walking, whether on or off the intended trails is tough going but the rewards are knowing that you’ve experienced what few tourists have done.

You’ll also gain a different, perhaps more authentic insight to the PNG jungle and its people. The knowledge that Australian soldiers struggled, and sometimes failed, to cross the same jungle in conditions much worse is both inspiring and humbling.

© Lindsay Cohen - July 2003


Different Trek - same country

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